Life And All It's Paralelles

Man, things are going so great with steve, i love him so much:D we're really happy together... our relationship is open and honest and all i wnat is to be with him all the time lol maybe im a lil obsessive, but i know he feels the same way (because hes told me) he makes me feel so good about myself, and even though sometimes he cant see it hes the only who can cheer me up when im down... no matter how bad it gets i know hes there for me, to hold me when i cry and calm me down when im mad, to make me feel like its all gunna be okay:)

This is my first entry and here it is:

I love him so much, but I cant have him, hes not mine to hold, not mine to kiss and not mine to protect. All I want is his happiness and I would die for him to be happy. Today I was depressed, Ive been stoned for like the past two months and now that ive been sober for two weeks (or so) Ive been able to feel everything, remember all the bad things that drugs helped me push out and forget, and its overwelming, and he wouldnt hold me, until i was ready to tell him about it... saying it makes it seem so much more real and if I had've said it then I wouldve felt it so much more and I know I wouldve broken down, and I know how much it hurts him to see me cry... and I didnt wanna have to deal with miky, I dont know what he would have done if I hadve just opened up right there, I dont even know what he thinks of me anymore... anyways, Steve said i was hiding something from him and he pulled his hand away from mine and it made me feel so alone... I feel so bad about not telling him, but I just didnt want my feelings to be, ya know, public, the things I was thinking are things I dont think Ive even told Steve about yet... not just events, but about how i felt during the events, and for the first time in awhile I felt all the feelings Id been running from, I dont know if Im ready to get drugs out of my life, now I feel completely alone because Steve didnt even hug me goodbye and he said "not until you tell me"... that really hurts,it feels like hes using my feelings towards him as a way to get information out of me, I told him I would tell him in private and he still wouldnt even touch me, I dont know if thats his intenttion, I know its not, I know he just wants me to be open and honest with him, and he wants to help me, I know thats what it is but thats not what it feels like, I wanted him to show me he loved me right then, show me I wasnt alone, it wouldve made everyhting seem not so bad... I just feel so hopeless... and thats my own problem. I do want to open up to you Steve, but it was NOT the right time, because its not the sort of thing I cant talk about in public... I Love you (more then anyhting in the world) plz dont be mad at this entry.